I was on the phone with my mom and mentioned that I could visit for the holidays under only two circumstances: that Katie drive me, or that my folks buy me a ticket. This turned into a discussion about how it's still "not cool" that I'm gay, and that my mom doesn't want my siblings to know until they are all adults. I asked her what an "adult" was and she said graduated from highschool. My youngest brother is only 9. That's nine and a half years before I'm allowed to tell him.

I'm really depressed because I plan to do a lot with my life in the next ten years, and most of it involves a significant other (I'm not presumptuous enough to assume Katie wants to be with me for the rest of her life, though I'd like to think we're headed that way). I want to settle down, have some sort of ceremony, adopt kids, move across country, be out and proud-- It's crazy to think that in six years, when I'll likely have a partner and kid(s) that I'll be expected to show up to holidays and family gatherings alone. I want to be able to invite my family to the ceremony- to be able to let my kids call my mom "Grandma."

I know it's my life and I can do or say whatever I want, but this is my mom's wish, and what I want is to respect her wishes-- but it just seems so hard and plain wrong.

If I wasn't dating Katie, I'd probably kill myself. I'm not even joking. My familt life makes me so depressed. I've attempted suicide several times before because of my family life. I am just so thankful for having Katie in my life, but at the same time, it's made my family situation worse. I feel like blah.